


Last One Standing

by nyagosstar



Series: Bitter 'verse [2]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-03
Updated: 2012-10-03
Packaged: 2017-11-15 13:35:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/527870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyagosstar/pseuds/nyagosstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s just that I’m twenty years old. Forever was something I never thought I’d have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last One Standing

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of the first ideas i had for 30_wounds and one that took way too much time to write. All credit in the world goes to sainnis on this one for reading it in bits and pieces and some serious hand holding along the way. I tinkered quite a bit after she gave it back to me, so all mistakes remain my own.

“It’s not that we don’t appreciate all the prestige and knowledge you bring to the university, Edward, but to refuse to teach classes, to refuse to publish any of your research, puts us in a troubling position.”

Ed clenched his fists, wondering if the dean would press charges if he punched him in the face. “Yes?”

“We need you to teach and start publishing if you want to stay with us.” To his credit, Dean Waters at least looked apologetic while delivering the ultimatum.

“Did you think that I would change my mind? When I agreed to come here, I told you I wasn’t going teach idiots who just want to learn how to transmute flowers for their girlfriends. And I’ll publish as soon as I have something that’s a benefit for the people, not before, and certainly not to satisfy some bureaucratic desire.”

Waters took a deep breath. “The thing is, Edward,”—and didn’t Ed hate it that the fucker insisted on calling him Edward all the time—“We pay you a significant salary for results we have yet to see. We need something from you if you want to continue working with us.”

“For you, you mean.” Ed stood. “Fine. I appreciate the time and access you’ve given me. I’ll have my things cleared up by the end of the day.” With nothing lined up and nowhere to go once he left the building, Ed thought he should be more concerned about his departure. Instead, he felt a kind of elation, a joyful feeling settling in him that felt suspiciously like freedom.

“Now Edward, no one is saying you have to leave.” Waters stood as well, his hands raised in supplication.

“Isn’t that the conversation we just had? I don’t want to do what you want, you don’t want me here.” Honestly, Ed had never been all that happy working for the university. After he’d come back through the Gate, he found he’d been discharged from the military. With a brother to support, Ed took the first offer to come his way. Now, a year later, Ed thought he could have benefited from guidance at a younger age on how to plan a future instead of how to maneuver through military ranks.

Since Ed didn’t technically work for the man any more, he felt entirely justified to leave him sputtering mid-sentence when he walked out the door. It took him a surprisingly short time to gather his things, pack up his lab and say his very few goodbyes. Maybe it was a childhood spent wandering that made it easy for him to pick up and leave, or maybe it was because he’d never really felt comfortable here. The other staff members either held him in awe or disdain because even though he could run circles around their alchemy, he’d never received any formal university training. 

It was kind of a bitch that Waters decided to wait until the end of the day to have his conversation. If the man had any decency at all, he would have fired Ed in the morning so he could have had the day to try to figure out what the hell he was going to do now. Ed had a host of marketable skills, but few with any use outside the military or the lecture circuit and Ed would be damned before he did either one of those.

At home, Ed found a short note from Al explaining he would be late with his study group, which left Ed with too much time on his hands and not enough noise to fill up the space. With a shrug, he picked up the phone and dialed Roy, hoping Roy hadn’t decided to actually stay through an entire workday.

“Hello?” 

“Hey, I quit my job today. Can I come over?”

Ed could almost picture Roy trying to figure out which statement to deal with first. “You don’t have to call. You can just stop by.”

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t want to interrupt you or anything. I like to give you time to get your lady friends out of the apartment.”

“Oh, for the love of—I _told_ you she was in for an inspection the military.”

Ed snorted. “She was in for an inspection of _something_.”

“Yes, she was. An inspection of the apartment.”

“Did she know that?” It would have been embarrassing if Ed hadn’t been equal parts pissed off at the woman practically sitting in Roy’s lap and gleefully amused at Roy’s obvious terror of Ed’s potential reaction to the situation.

“Are you coming over or not?”

“Yeah. Bye.”

*

Ed rapped twice on the door to Roy’s apartment before letting himself in. More than once, Roy had told him he could just come over, he could just come in, but it still didn’t feel quite right.

“Hey, I’m in the kitchen.”

Ed followed the sound of Roy’s voice into the cramped kitchen where Roy had spread his papers and files across the table. “You’d think a General would warrant a bigger apartment.”

“I live by myself.” He shrugged as he stood to greet Ed, his hands reaching automatically to sink into Ed’s hair as he drew their mouths together in a heated kiss.

Though they’d only been seeing each other a short time and the flush of newness was still on them, Ed wondered if there would ever be a time when he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with his tongue in Roy’s mouth. It was exciting and comforting, familiar and new each time and exactly what he needed at the moment.

“Hi,” Roy said when he pulled back. “What happened with Waters?”

Ed dropped into the chair next to Roy, his hand high on Roy’s thigh. “He’s a dick.”

Roy, all subtlety and smoothness, let his legs fall apart. “He’s always been an ass. What happened today?”

“Did you keep your uniform on on purpose?” Ed trailed his fingers over Roy’s thigh and up the zip of his pants, feeling Roy jerk and harden under his touch. “Don’t really want to talk about work right now.” He flicked open the button to Roy’s pants and slid down the zip. The only sounds reverberating in his ears were Roy’s harsh breaths and the slide of metal.

“Don’t, uh, don’t stop on my account.”

Ed reached inside Roy’s pants, running his fingers over Roy’s thick cock. “You’re so easy,” he said in a harsh whisper against Roy’s ear before he slid off his chair and settled on his knees between Roy’s legs. His position was a little awkward, and Roy’s hand in his hair was a little too tight, but it had been days since he’d last laid hands on Roy, days since the smell of him on Ed’s skin had disappeared, and he could deal with a little discomfort to be able to touch Roy.

He nuzzled against Roy’s flesh, his hot breath making Roy jerk as though stung. His low moan filled the room. “Missed you.”

Ed licked Roy’s cock from base to tip just to see him convulse at the sensation. “You missed sex.”

Roy’s grip on his hair relaxed until he was cradling Ed’s skull instead of trying to crush it. He leaned in for a fierce kiss that left them both breathless. “I missed _you_.”

Unable to hold Roy’s gaze or stand the emotion he saw there, Ed pulled away and returned his focus to Roy’s hardened length, so close and waiting for his touch. With his flesh hand, he stroked Roy’s balls as he swallowed the length of Roy’s cock down his throat. Roy’s entire body jerked at the sudden sensation and Ed didn’t try to stop him from thrusting forward, upward into Ed’s mouth. 

There had been times in the past when Ed had spent hours tormenting Roy with his mouth and hands, learning every dip and crevice, teasing the length of his cock, tracing the thick veins, running his teeth along the head until Roy was incoherent and desperate. He liked knowing he could bring Roy to that place where he was nothing but sensation born from endless patience. 

But there was also something to be said for seeing Roy go from easy conversation to mindless rutting in the space of a few seconds on the sole basis of Ed’s mouth. With no finesse, just a steady, sucking pressure had Roy’s head thrown back, the tendons in his neck standing in sharp relief as his hands dug into Ed’s neck and shoulders. His words could have been ‘more’ or ‘Ed’ or ‘don’t stop’. In the impassioned language of Roy Mustang, they all meant the same thing.

Roy gave one last guttural cry before he arched in the chair and flooded Ed’s mouth with his salty, sharp come. The last drops had barely been spilled and Roy’s cock just beginning to soften before Roy’s grip on Ed’s shoulder’s tightened, pulling him up to meet Roy in a harsh kiss as Roy swept his tongue through Ed’s mouth, cleaning the last traces of him from Ed’s taste buds. With a free hand, he roughly caressed Ed’s chest and stomach before reaching his pants. In two swift motions, Roy opened Ed’s zip and had his hand wrapped securely around Ed’s cock, holding him just the way Ed liked to be held.

It had been so long since their last encounter and he was already half gone just having Roy’s cock in his mouth and listening to Roy’s moans that it took only a handful of strokes from Roy’s practiced grip before Ed felt his own release approaching. He latched on to Roy’s arm to keep from falling, opening his mouth to Roy’s questing tongue and let the wave take him.

Roy stroked him until the last drop was spent before falling back in his chair, his hands still resting on Ed wherever he could reach him. Ed relaxed against Roy’s leg, letting the scent of Roy and their sex fill his lungs, easing him into a gentle lethargy. “That was good.”

Roy’s only response was to stoke his hair.

“Do you think you’d want to pay me to do that? ‘Cause I’m going to need a job soon and that’s about the best thing I an imagine at the moment.”

At Roy’s laugh, Ed looked up and couldn’t help but smile back at Roy’s ridiculous grin. “I’m not paying you for sex. If anyone ever found out, it’d send the wrong kind of message.”

“You wouldn’t pay me but you’ll do me for free? How is that fair?” Ed knelt up and kissed the flat of Roy’s stomach just to feel his muscles ripple against his lips. “It could be sexy, like a game.”

“I think,” Roy leaned forward and caught him in a lingering kiss. “That you have far more lucrative talents than as my personal sex slave.” He kissed him again. “Though it is tempting.”

“I didn’t say slave. You’d have to pay me.”

Roy stood and helped Ed to his feet where they stood with their arms wrapped loosely around each other. “I don’t think I’ve ever had such strange conversations as the ones I have with you.”

“Do you have food? I’m starving.”

“I have those spicy shrimp you like.” 

Ed kissed Roy’s throat. “I thought you didn’t like them.”

“I don’t, but you do, so I picked some up the last time I went shopping.” Roy backed away and walked to the stove, pulling out pans and turning on burners.

Ed shoved his hands in his pockets and watched Roy move around the kitchen, throwing things together with the efficiency of a man who knew his space very well. “That’s terribly domestic of you.” 

“I was aiming for thoughtful, but if you’d prefer I don’t notice the things you like when we spend most of our free time together, I can do that too.” Roy didn’t turn as he spoke, and his tone stayed relaxed, but Ed knew him well enough by now to know they were walking in dangerous territory.

Just the knowledge that he could read Roy was unsettling. The only person he’d ever known so well was Al, but knowing that Al didn’t like mustard and would happily kill him for fresh strawberries never left Ed feeling wary and uncomfortable. All of his relationships before Roy had been much more casual, hardly lasting more than a few encounters because that was the way Ed liked things. 

But with Roy, he couldn’t help but want to spend more time with him. The sex was great, damn the man for having earned his reputation, but Ed could also spend comfortable moments with Roy that didn’t involve licking or sucking or screwing. For Ed, that was very strange. He supposed it was because he’d never dated an alchemist before, or someone in the military; they already had more in common than most of the people Ed met, but it was more than that.

“You’re quiet. Worried about work?”

“Huh? No. I’m better off without them, and they’re going to be really pissed when they find out that I was so close to finishing the array I’ve been working on.” He grinned at the thought of the journal articles that would list Ed as an independent researcher and the interviews where Ed would say very calmly that he’d parted ways with Central University over a conflict of interests. He’d be sure to say they were an esteemed institution, but they hadn’t had the same dedication to research Ed needed. Waters didn’t know what he had coming. “I’m a little worried about money. It’s not like the university was paying me so well that I’ve got a lot saved up and I need time to work on the array.” Ed accepted the bowl that Roy passed his way and sat back down at the table, this time across from Roy. “I’ll think of something. Maybe I’ll ask Hughes if he needs a babysitter.”

Roy frowned at him in the way that meant he was thinking, not that he was upset, before pushing some papers across the table. “Want to help me finish this?”

“You’re so lazy,” Ed said as he accepted a stack and began sorting through the pages. 

“I’m only thinking of you. The faster I get this done, the sooner you’ll have my full attention.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you were so intent on your work when I blew you under the table.”

***

Ed spent the next couple days at loose ends. He tried to work at home, but Al was keeping such strange hours as he trained for his medical license that Ed felt like he was either disturbing Al’s rest or his study time. He tried the local library, but for some reason, the librarians frowned on him drawing chalk lines on their floors. Several times he’d tried to explain that it was just chalk and it would wash off the hardwood, but they weren’t interested. Said they didn’t even let State Alchemists do that to their floors and he was clearly no State Alchemist. Ed laughed so hard they asked if there was anyone they should call, and by anyone, they meant mental institutions.

For a brief while, Ed thought about setting up shop in Roy’s apartment. It wasn’t like the man used it during the day unless he was pretending to be sick. He already knew where everything was; it was pretty comfortable and the neighbors didn’t give him strange looks anymore, but Ed was already spending most nights there. If he spent his days there as well, he might as well just give up and move in for real, which was not something Ed was necessarily keen on.

After four days, Ed was considering how he could approach the University without it looking like he was crawling back on his knees just because he couldn’t find good workspace. He didn’t want to go back, but they’d been able to give him facilities and time to work and not make him feel like he was wasting his time. Maybe it wouldn’t kill him to write a paper or two and teach a class full of snot-nosed rich kids who didn’t give a damn about alchemy. Right.

At the end of the first week, Ed came home to a message on the fridge from Al, which was their main means of communication these days. ‘Brother, there’re leftovers in the fridge if you’re not going to the General’s tonight and there was a message for you from General Hughes. He sounded serious, and he wants you to call him as soon as you can. I’ll be switching to days next week, so we might actually see each other. Love, Al.’ Even his handwritten messages made Ed smile because there was so much of Al in each word, in each stroke of the pen.

Ed picked up the phone and dialed Hughes as he poked around in the dish Al had left in the fridge. His brother tried desperately to make up for his years of not being able to eat by sampling all kinds of new foods and cooking every recipe he could get his hands on. Unfortunately, Ed was beginning to think Al might have left his taste buds at the Gate because Ed couldn’t eat most of what Al made. It was his duty as older brother to try everything, but it wasn’t his duty to finish anything, or not make endless fun of Al’s bad food.

“General Hughes’ office.”

“Hi, this is Edward Elric, returning the General’s call.”

“Let me see if he’s free.”

Ed stirred the contents of the covered dish with a fork, thinking this one looked okay. He took a brave mouthful and was still coughing when Hughes picked up on the other end. “Edward, are you all right?”

After downing his second glass of water, Ed could finally answer. “Yeah, just had something stuck in my throat.” He covered the dish and put it back in the fridge, scribbling his own note on the back of Al’s. ‘Too much pepper, unless you’re trying to develop a weapon.’ “What’s going on?”

“I was hoping you could come down to my office to discuss a proposal.”

Ed frowned at Hughes’ words. “I don’t work for you guys anymore.”

“Why don’t you stop by and we’ll talk? Sooner rather than later, if you would. I’m working on a tight schedule.”

“Yeah, okay.” It wasn’t like he had to check his busy schedule or anything. He grabbed his coat and headed out, wondering if he would ever really get away from the military. He tried and tried, but everywhere he went, someone recognized him as the former State Alchemist. Every official function listed him by his retired rank, as if that was supposed to matter somehow. He knew more about the ins and outs of the Amestris military than he did about how to look for a new job.

At headquarters, the very smell of the base was enough to set Ed on edge. Familiar faces passed him, and it felt disturbingly like coming home. Once a dog, always a dog, he supposed, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.

“The General is expecting you.”

Ed waved to Hughes’ secretary and went in. He was always surprised by Hughes’ office. Knowing the man as he did, he expected the walls to be covered in murals of his family and photographs to cover every inch of his desk, but he only had one picture in a frame facing him, and the walls were empty of anything except maps. “Hey.”

Hughes was on the phone and waved him into a seat as he finished. The difference between Hughes’ office and Roy’s was that Hughes always seemed on the verge of moving out. Given a few minutes notice, he could have his shit packed and be on his way with little fuss. Roy, on the other hand, would require a week and probably a crane to excavate his shit. Roy liked to spread out, make the space his own, and Hughes looked like he was a temporary occupant waiting for moving orders.

“I’d like you to take a look at this,” Hughes said once he hung up the phone, handing Ed a file.

Ed accepted the plain manila folder and scanned through the contents, his anger rising with each word. “Why are you showing me this? I’m not coming back no matter what you show me.” After the fall of Bradley, the State Alchemist program was under better surveillance, but they couldn’t watch everyone all the time. “Should I even be looking at this?”

“I’m not asking you to come back. I’m offering to pay you a consultant’s fee to take care of this. You’re better equipped than anyone I have in the area or here in Central to take care of it. You still have clearance and I trust you, which is the most important part.” Hughes wrote something on a slip of paper and slid it across the desk. “It’s not as much as you could make, but since it’d be your first consultation with us, it’s a starting fee.”

As Ed picked up the paper, a thought occurred to him. “Did Roy put you up to this?”

“No. I need this taken care of as quickly and efficiently as possible. You were the first person who came to mind.” Hughes looked innocent enough to make Ed think that Roy had at least had one conversation with Hughes.

“Whatever.” He looked at the paper and then frowned. “Are you kidding me?”

“I know it’s not much, but—“

“Not much? This is more than I ever made when I was a State Alchemist. You mean I could have been doing the same fucking work for three times the amount?” This was almost more than his rate from the university for two months.

“We don’t go to independent contractors often and when we do, it’s for specific and often compelling reasons. Will you do it?”

The work wasn’t anything he hadn’t done before, and the money was really good. Ed shrugged. “Sure.” He stood, and then paused as a thought occurred to him. “Will you cover my medical expenses?”

Hughes pulled out another paper and handed Ed a pen. “Of course. Sign here, here and here. Initial this line and we’ll take care of everything.”

Had it been anyone else, Ed would have wasted his time reading the fine print. He probably would have had Al take a look at it and give his approval before ink ever hit paper, but this was Hughes, who would be more likely to kick puppies and kittens for fun than hurt Ed. He signed the papers, watched Hughes file them in triplicate and turned to the door. “Hey, tell Roy what’s going on and I’ll call if I get the chance.”

“Anything else?” Hughes grinned at him like the smile was going to break his face. While he appreciated the job and Hughes’ general concern for his welfare, some things were none of his business. 

“No.”

***

Ed knocked on the door of a very quaint-looking house in the middle of a very nice, quiet neighborhood. Flowers lined the front walk to the door and someone had taken a good bit of time to trim the hedges into various geometrical shapes. The house was freshly painted; the windows washed clean. Everything about the overall feel of the place would make the casual observer appreciate the thoughtful maintenance of the property, and assume the people within were respectable.

An older man with grey hair and glasses answered the door, took one look at Ed, shoved him back away from the door and took off into the house. Ed swore as he fell backwards down the steps and cracked his head against the ground, struggling to breathe for a moment. Why did they always try to fucking run?

Not for the first time, Ed thought it might be worth his while to invest in a disguise.

“Mr. Jenkins! I just want to talk to you.” Like hell he just wanted to talk, but it seemed like the thing to say. Any thought that Jenkins wasn’t running dangerous and morally questionable experiments blew out the window the moment he ran. 

Ed picked himself up off the ground and ran into the house, past the family room where Jenkins’ wife and teenaged children were watching him with wide-eyed terror. He rounded a corner in the hallway and had to duck as a vase came crashing at his head. With barely time to right himself, Jenkins hurled a small bronze statute at him and this time, Ed wasn’t fast enough to miss it. It bounced off his shoulder and fell to the floor with a hollow thud. “Stop fucking throwing things!”

“The military doesn’t understand!” Jenkins shouted from around the corner as another object, this time a picture frame, came sailing at Ed’s face. “The research I’m doing could help them!”

“Then why don’t you put that shit down and come with me so you can explain it to them?” Ed was getting tired to dodging the charming artifacts of Jenkins’ picturesque home life, and he was sure it wouldn’t be long before the family in the front room decided they should defend their home as well.

Jenkins laughed and tossed a ceramic figurine of a cat, catching Ed in the face, where it broke and cut his cheek. “If I go with you, no one will ever see me again. My family will never see me again.”

“It’s not like that anymore, Mr. Jenkins. You don’t have to be afraid of the military. But you are going to have to be afraid of me if you keep throwing shit at my face.” Ed tried to move out of his range, but Jenkins grabbed a fire poker from the fireplace. He held it aloft like a javelin and threw it at Ed, the wild look in his eyes making Ed certain he didn’t entirely know what he was doing. 

Jenkins’ aim was bad, and Ed was fast enough that the poker bounced off his automail, tearing the fabric of his shirt and scratching the metal, but otherwise bringing Ed to no harm. Before Jenkins could grab anything else, Ed clapped and pressed his hands to the floor, which leapt up around Jenkins, securing him in place and binding his hands to his sides. Ed was just ready to relax when Jenkins’ eyes widened and his face twitched just enough to make Ed spin and catch one of Jenkins’ sons by the arm, who was holding a frying pan raised to crash against Ed’s skull. He torn the frying pan from the kid’s grip and threw it to the floor.

“Anyone else?” When Jenkins’ other son and wife made no move towards violence, Ed blew out a rough sigh. “Mind if I use your phone?”

***

“You could have called.”

Ed snorted. “I’m sorry. The last I checked, I wasn’t your wife.” There was no heat in his words, though; he was too content for that. They were sprawled in a tangle of limbs on Roy’s bed, moonlight leaking through the curtains in the smug languor of great sex.

“You don’t have to be married to let someone who cares about you know you’re going to be gone for a few days on a possibly dangerous mission.”

“Like you didn’t know Hughes was going to ask me. Besides, it wasn’t dangerous.”

“Which is why you’re covered in cuts and bruises, and have a headache you can’t shake.”

Ed kissed Roy to shut him up. He was ruining the moment. “That’s not dangerous, that’s just irritating. Dangerous is the shit you sent me on when I was, you know, fourteen years old.”

“I…that was different.” Roy’s voice faded as he spoke and when Ed turned to look at him in the faint light, he could see real regret on his face.

If he didn’t turn their conversation to something else, Roy would ruin perfectly good reunion sex by feeling guilty. “We used each other. And look how everything turned out. I’d say it was worth it, wouldn’t you?”

Roy was silent for several long moments, and only the soft, repetitive strokes along Ed’s ribs were an indication of his contentment. “What do you think you’re going do with the money?”

“I don’t know. I hadn’t thought about it yet.” Even after his and Al’s living expenses were covered, there was a lot left over. “Put it away, I guess.”

“Maybe,” Roy turned to kiss his throat. “Maybe you could rent out some office space. You know, somewhere you could work and not be interrupted. And when another General has a problem that only you can solve, they’d be able to find you. Now that they know you’re available for hire, it’s only a matter of time, you know.”

It was a good idea, but… “I’m not thrilled with the idea of you orchestrating my life, you know.”

Roy grinned at him and rolled so he was laying on top of Ed, snug between his thighs, a heavy but welcome weight. “It is very good idea, though, isn’t it? And you probably would have come up with it on your own eventually. What does it matter if I gave you a push in that direction?”

“You’re an absolute bastard, you know that?” Though, frankly, Roy could be anything he wanted if he just kept touching him, just like that.

Roy laughed as he rocked against Ed, his lips a hairsbreadth away from Ed’s throat. “You love me anyway.”

Ed leaned up to kiss him rather than respond.

***

“It’s a nice space, brother, but isn’t it kind of big?” Al turned around in the front room of Ed’s newly rented office space, frowning.

“I’m thinking of getting a secretary.” He’d always wanted one; everyone he knew who had one seemed unable to function without someone to field their phone calls and sort through their mail.

“What do you need a secretary for? You don’t even have desk.”

Ed thought sometimes that for spending so much time as a suit of armor, Al was way too practical. “I’ve already had two calls from other Generals who want me to go do stuff for them and there’s a lot of paperwork to sign for this kind of thing. I’d rather have someone else do it right than me not do it at all.” He waved Al over. “This would be my office.”

“It’s nice.” But Al was frowning in that ‘I secretly disapprove of your rash actions’ way he often did.

“What?”

Al crossed the room to stand by the window, stepping into the early morning light that streamed in, bathing him in golden glow that made him almost too bright to look at. “I just though that with you working at the University, maybe when I graduate I could work there too. I could teach classes about medicine and we could share that.” Al frowned down at the street and didn’t meet Ed’s gaze.

“Oh, Al.” He crossed the room in two strides and caught his brother in a tight hug, thinking he would never get tired of the feel of Al’s flesh body instead of unforgiving steel. “Just because I’m not going to be at the University doesn’t mean we can’t work together. We still live together, so I’ll see you every day.”

“For how much longer, though? You spend most of your nights at the General’s apartment. How long do you think it’ll be before he asks you to move in with him?”

Ed let his arms drop in surprise, but didn’t move away from Al. Instead they stood by the window, leaning against each other as if the other was the only thing holding them up. “I don’t think…It’s not like that.” It wasn’t, was it? Yeah, they spent a lot of time together, but it wasn’t like the rest of his life. Was it? Just the thought of Roy asking him that left him with a cold, nauseous feeling in the pit of his stomach. Like maybe he should try to put some distance between the two of them before Roy asked that of him.

Then Al started talking like the words had been building up in him for weeks and once he’d given them the chance to come out, there was no stopping the tide until he’d finished. “You already keep some of your clothes at his place, and I know you have an extra toothbrush and stuff there. Soon he’ll ask you ‘why don’t you spend the weekends,’ or something like that, and then you’ll be living with him and I’ll be all alone in our house. I want you to be happy, brother, you know I do, but I don’t want to be alone. Not yet. I know we have to grow up, that we are growing up, but I still feel like I just got you back and I’m not ready to not have you. Not yet. Please, please, I know it’s selfish and the worst thing I could do, I’m a horrible brother, but I don’t want to be alone, not yet.”

“Al, you’re not a horrible brother. I’m not ready to move out of our house, either. Roy can ask until the end of time, but I’d kill myself and probably him if we lived together.” It was just too strange, thinking of going to sleep, waking up, having breakfast, sharing the mail, doing the shopping, all with Roy. It was too weird and left him feeling uncomfortable. He reached up and hooked an arm around Al’s neck, pulling him close. “I’m not going anywhere, not until we’re both ready, okay?”

“I shouldn’t ask you. I shouldn’t.” But he didn’t take back his words and he didn’t move away from Ed.

Ed smiled. “You’re my brother. You can ask anything and if it’s in my power, I will make sure you get it.” It was nothing less than what Al deserved and Ed would spend the rest of his life making sure Al had everything he needed, everything he wanted, to make up for the time Ed had consigned him to a life without the ability to feel. “Hey, maybe you could be my secretary.”

“Hey!”

“No, think about it. You could quit that job you hate, we could spend more time together and you were always much better dealing with the military assholes than I was. I’d pay you better, too.”

Al shrugged off Ed’s touch, but didn’t look all that offended. “I’d want paid vacation time. And benefits.”

“You can have anything you want.”

“What about an office cat?”

Ed snorted and pushed Al toward the outer office. “Within reason.”

***

The chalk in his hand was like an extension of himself, as if he drew with his own body instead of millions of little shells compacted over the course of thousands of years. The lines of the array had never been as clear to him as they were today; he’d never understood so intuitively what he wanted to do with his array as he did right now. He was never as sure that it would actually work, not perfectly, and not every time, but Ed was beginning to understand that there would never be a perfect array for what he wanted. It bordered on the taboo, but it would be beneficial to the state and to the people at large—reversal of a true sin. Putting right what someone else wronged was never terms for censure in his book. And Ed had enough friends in the military to back him up if it ever came to a head.

He was lost in the alchemy of the array when Al knocked on his door and stuck his head in. “Brother, there’s a call for you from General Pershing. I told him you were in the middle of something, but he said it was something you’d want to hear right away.”

Ed hesitated. He was so close to understanding the next step he didn’t want to stop. He felt for the first time that he was close to seeing an end to the array, close to seeing something that might actually work. But Pershing didn’t call unless he had something important, and Al knew the gravity of his work and wouldn’t interrupt him if he could help it.

“Yeah, I’ll take it.” He rose to his feet, suddenly realizing he must have been kneeling on the floor drawing for hours. He knees ached, and the muscles in his legs had frozen in position, making standing a trial. Chalk covered his hands and left white smears down the length of his clothes. The fingers of his left hand were cramped from holding the slim writing instrument but he was so close, it was all worth it.

“This is Elric, how can I help you?”

“Edward. We’ve got a little situation in a small town to the east and I was hoping to send you to take care of it. I’m prepared to offer you a substantial fee for handling this in speedy and discreet manner.”

In the six months that Ed had made his services to the military available again, he’d gotten all manner of requests from high-ranking offices. “Send me the paperwork and I’ll look it over.”

“It’s already on its way. I was hoping you’d be able to leave this afternoon.” Something in Pershing’s voice was off, which gave Ed pause. He’d run a couple missions for Pershing already and enjoyed working for the man quite a bit; he dealt a little bit less bullshit that the rest of the uniforms Ed saw. But he was hardly ever in a rush to have something done, always well thought out in his missions and had never asked Ed to get back to him in less than three days’ time.

“What, exactly, is the problem?”

Pershing sighed into the phone, a sound Ed was more than familiar with coming from Roy or Hughes—when the knowledge of what they had seen or experienced was too much for them. “Read the file and then give me a call back. My secretary knows to put you through immediately.”

“All right.” Ed hung up feeling a little unsettled, especially when Al stuck his head in a moment later with a file.

“This just came from Pershing’s office. It must be urgent.”

Ed nodded and accepted the file, leafing through the pages to get a general feeling of the assignment before starting back at the beginning. As he read, his blood ran cold and the ill feeling settled firmly in his chest. By the time he was done with the file, his hands were trembling with anger and all he could think was that he hadn’t finished his array soon enough.

It was the matter of moments to get through the General’s secretary and to the man himself. “How long have you known?”

“We’ve been watching the Cipher Alchemist for some time, but we didn’t have the evidence to act until today. You were my first phone call.” Only the fact that Pershing sounded genuinely distressed kept Ed from screaming at him to watch his people.

“I’ll have Al deliver the paperwork to your office and I’ll be on the next train out. Does he know I’m coming?”

“He shouldn’t. Our surveillance has been very circumspect and his last inspection was three months ago. He shouldn’t suspect a thing.”

“That won’t make this less dangerous.”

“I’m well aware.” The hint of steel in Pershing’s voice reminded Ed that he was dealing with a General and not one of his acquaintances.

Ed hung up and drummed his fingers on the desk for a moment before he grabbed his pen, scrawling his signature across the bottom of the required documents. He stuffed them back into the envelope and stood. The file went into his ready bag and the envelope he handed over to Al, who was lurking in the doorway looking concerned. 

“Looks like I’m going to be gone for a couple days. Remember to eat and you know, take care of yourself. You don’t have to keep the office open if you don’t want, but I know you like to study here, so feel free.” He nodded to the envelope. “Make sure Pershing gets that before the end of the day and I’ll see you in a couple days.”

“Is it bad, brother?”

“It’s chimeras, and the array isn’t done yet. I’m going to try and get it as refined as I can on the train, but…” He shook his head. “It’s not ready and it’s probably too late for the one’s he’s already changed.”

“I could come with you.”

Ed paused by the door and offered Al a smile. “Thanks, but I think I’m better off doing this myself. Besides, you have exams this week and I don’t want you to miss anything. Don’t worry. I’ll be back before you know it.”

“What do you want me to tell the General?”

Ed shrugged. He and Roy were in a strange place at the moment. They fought more than they did anything else and Ed hadn’t been over to spend the night in almost a week. It was possible that he could be gone and come back without Roy ever knowing he’d left. “If he calls,” he sighed. “I don’t know. Tell him I’ll call him when I get a second.”

“I’m not going to lie for you.”

“I’m not asking you to lie. I’m going to be busy and I’ll call him when I get back, if he even cares.” He waved over his shoulder on the way out and headed to the train station, hoping he wouldn’t have to wait too long to catch one going in the right direction.

Thoughts of Roy turned his mood even more sour than the thought of chimeras. The problem with Roy was that he wanted too much. For someone with the reputation of a playboy, he was asking more and more of Ed, wanting more than Ed thought he was able to give. More than he thought he would ever be able to give. Spending time wasn’t enough; they had to talk about things. Sometimes, Roy liked to spin out their future together that left Ed feeling trapped and panicky. 

Ed had spent the majority of his life doing his best not to think about the long term. One day at a time was often more than enough to handle and the prospect of years spinning out in front of him felt endless when there was still so much left to do. He needed smaller, more manageable goals, more realistic aspirations, not fairytale futures where he and Roy played house together until the end of time. In his experience, the world didn’t work that way, and tempting him with the thought made the reality of not having his way worse.

But Roy wouldn’t stop pushing him and Ed stopped visiting so much. It wasn’t that he didn’t miss Roy, he ached pretty much every second of every day from missing him, but Roy wanted things that Ed couldn’t give him and seeing him was just too painful. Eventually, Roy started calling him less, asking him to come over less, stopped dropping by his office less until weeks could pass before they saw each other. Their time together had taken on a desperate quality that left Ed feeling sick when he left. 

It was all so fucked up, and he didn’t know how to stop fucking it up. The best course seemed to try and dig Roy out of his life and memories all together, no matter how much it hurt him.

For once the train schedule was working in his favor, and he boarded and was on his way to Lysa within the hour. Trains, unfortunately, were a terrible place for not thinking. There was nothing to do but watch the landscape roll by and think about the things that were really eating at him. Only the file in his hand and the time limit he had to refine his array as much as possible let him push all thoughts of Roy out of his mind in order to focus on the case. There were some poor, broken things out there that needed him at his best and for them he could push Roy to that dark corner of his mind and concentrate on the task at hand.

The Cipher Alchemist wasn’t home when Ed came calling shortly after his train arrived. His house was dark and silent, at least from the sidewalk, and it looked like his neighbors were out as well. Ed looked up and down the street for anyone who might be watching before he clapped and pressed his hands to the door, transmuting the wood out of his way. He supposed that if his life as a military consultant didn’t work out, he had pretty good grounding as a thief.

Inside the house, Ed felt the small hairs on the back of his neck and along his arms stand on end. The sense of desperation and the pain of living things that had been twisted beyond what they were meant to be filled each room until it was almost a physical presence. He shook off the feeling and moved deeper into the house. The evidence of the Cipher Alchemist’s transgressions was all around him from half-drawn arrays on slips of paper that littered the floor to texts on animal biology opened to scientific drawings of bodies and handwritten notes scrawled in the margins. Ed half expected to turn a corner and find one of his creations sitting next to a chair, waiting for death.

Instead, Ed found the door to the man’s workroom, closed and locked. 

“Who are you and what are you doing in my house?”

Ed spun, wondering how he hadn’t heard the Cipher Alchemist sneak up on him. “Mr. Benchly, the Cipher Alchemist?”

“If you’ve come here looking for a commission, I’m sorry, but I stopped taking them years ago. And if you thought to endear yourself to me by breaking into my house, you’re sadly mistaken.”

“I’m not here for a commission.” Ed frowned, wondering what kind of commissions he’d taken in the past.

Benchly echoed his frown. “If you’re here to be tutored, I can tell you I don’t do that anymore, either. It was a fair bit of alchemy you used to get in the door, if a little basic. I’m sure you can find yourself a good teacher, but I am not he.” An unsettling light came into his eyes. “Who knows you’re here, boy?”

“I, uh,” Ed looked down to the ground and shuffled his feet a little, trying to affect nervousness instead of rage. “I didn’t tell anyone I was coming here. They don’t understand.”

“Of course they don’t, my boy.” Benchly crossed the space between them and placed a hand on Ed’s shoulder. “Maybe there is something I could have you help me with. Would you like to see my workroom?”

Just the sensation of Benchly’s hand on him made his skin crawl, but Ed did his best to reign in his reactions and keep up a mild, interested expression. “Oh, yes. Very much.” 

“Very well. It’s through here.” Benchly drew out a key from his pocket and unlocked the door. Cages lined the walls to his workroom; most of them were empty, but all bore signs of use. He’d worked fast and messy, and none of his transformations were even close to perfect chimeras. They were pathetic things, all in pain, and Ed had never been happier that he left Al at home. 

“Now, don’t be alarmed by what you see inside. It’s simply the work of alchemists. You’d understand if you had a little more training. We work in the fields of the unknown. We are modern explorers into the mysteries of nature and the universe itself.” Benchly drew in a long breath, overwhelmed by his own explanation of his work. “We are gods made flesh and there is nothing that is beyond our purview.” 

Ed wasn’t sure what it was about the science of alchemy that drove men mad, but it seemed to happen more in his field than in, say, farming or accounting. Perhaps it was that alchemy looked so much like magic to the casual observer. To a town of the uneducated, an alchemist could seem like a savior, sent from a higher power instead of just a man with an innate understanding of the power of an array. Or maybe it was the curse of the alchemist. Maybe to spend so much of one’s life with the power of the earth itself running though one’s hands was to lose bits of self along the way until there was nothing but ego in the end.

Whatever the cause, Ed was never surprised when he found alchemists who thought they were gods among men. What was surprising was that these people lived in neighborhoods, had families and relatively normal lives and no one seemed to notice or care about their slide into delusion. If just one person along the way had said something, Ed wouldn’t have to stand next to this guy in his workroom, pretending to be interested in his horrifying work.

“It’s all very basic research at this point. I’m hoping to branch out into more interesting and applicable fields very soon.” Benchly’s hand on his arm had not yet moved and if anything had tightened, leaving Ed with no doubt about what direction Benchly was thinking of going in next. One of the few things Pershing hadn’t been able to tell Ed was whether Benchly’s chimera research had progressed to human transmutation and the only thing Ed was happy to see in this whole mess was that Benchly had, thus far, restricted himself to animal subjects.

“There’s something I can do with all this?” Ed hoped there was the appropriate amount of awe in his voice, but also figured that Benchly was so taken with the idea of his next step in his research landing on his doorstep that Ed could have spit at his feet and it wouldn’t have made any difference.

Benchly tugged at his shoulder and guided him to the corner of the workroom where an array had been carefully etched on the floor. “Just stand here and I’ll take care of the rest.” Ed could see where lines had been erased and re-worked to refine the pattern and where there were still mistakes and inconsistencies in the lines that would account for the pitiful nature of the creatures in Benchly’s cages.

“I think this is far enough, thanks.” Ed shook off Benchly’s touch, not willing to progress any further with the charade. “I’m here on authority of the State to take you in to custody, Mr. Benchly. It’ll make my day go a lot better if you come with me quietly.”

Benchly stared at him for a long moment, and Ed thought that maybe he hadn’t understood. Eventually, he nodded, his shoulders slumping. “My work isn’t done yet.”

“Nor will it ever likely be. You knew what you were doing is wrong.” Ed clapped his hands and transmuted his arm into the short blade, just in case Benchly got any ideas, and pushed him towards the door. “Otherwise you would have been surprised at my presence.”

“You don’t understand. No one understands. We could be doing so much good if we would just pursue this line of study. The idea that it’s taboo is a holdover from a darker time when we didn’t understand so many things. It’s a story we tell our children because we don’t know better.”

Ed gave Benchly a push out of his door and towards the waiting car. Local police were waiting to take him into custody, just as Ed has asked when he arrived. “Tell it to someone who gives a shit.” He handed Benchly over to the waiting officer, signed off on the official forms and headed back to the house to try and sort out Benchly’s mess.

The twelve hour train ride had not been enough time to review the facts of the case and finish his array. The basic pattern itself had taken months of work at the university and no matter how desperate the need, Ed was not able to complete the details by the time he had Benchly sorted out. He’d done his best, and his best was better than most people’s miraculous, but it still wasn’t enough. Even with Benchly’s notes, his imperfect transmutations and Ed’s mostly finished array, the first three chimeras ended up a pile of blood and meat.

After the third failure, Ed made a mad dash for the door, just making it to the neat front lawn before losing everything he’d eaten all day on the freshly trimmed grass. The failures were too much like the thing he and Al had made in their basement, too much like Nina, and he couldn’t spend another second in that house. Benchly still had four other living chimeras that Ed would have to deal with, but he didn’t have to do it that day.

He stood, wiped his mouth and started walking. The air was brisk and this side of chill, but it was clear and sunny and everything Ed needed to help clear his mind. Almost five miles from the town’s only inn, by the time he arrived from Benchly’s house, enough of the bitter taste of defeat had left his mouth and body that he could hold a civil conversation with the clerk.

“Here you go. Take the stairs to the left, fourth door on the right.” A girl, probably a couple years younger than Al, handed him a key and pointed to the stairway. “Once you’re settled, there’s a phone at the end of the hall on the second floor.” She passed him a slip of paper. “You already have two messages.”

Ed pocketed them with his thanks and trudged up the steps to his room. Although he hadn’t planned on spending the night here, it looked like Pershing wasn’t taking any chances in case Ed needed to touch base. The first message was from the General’s office asking for an update and an estimated time of return. 

The second note was more troubling. He wasn’t sure how Roy knew were to find him, though he’d lay good odds on it having something to do with Hughes, but just holding the paper made him feel calmer. Hearing Roy’s voice right now would be the best thing that happened to him all day, but if Roy was just going to pick a fight with him, well, that Ed could do without. 

It couldn’t hurt to call just to find out, though.

Ed dumped his stuff in the room and then tracked down the phone at the end of the hall. A cushy chair and small desk gave the phone area a surprisingly comforting feel as Ed sank into the chair and put the call in to Pershing. During their conversation, he did his best to give Pershing the details he needed without bringing up too many that Ed wasn’t ready to deal with. He promised Pershing he would call if there were any further delays and then hung up the phone, his hand still on the receiver, trying to decide whether Roy was worth the potential aggravation.

In the end, worth it or not, he really did want to hear Roy’s voice, even if he ended up hanging up on him.

“General Mustang’s office, how can I help you?”

“This is Edward Elric. I’d like to speak with the General if he’s available.”

While Roy’s secretary—who constantly pretended like she didn’t know him whenever he called—put him on hold and went to check with Roy, Ed tipped his head back in the chair and stared at the ceiling, tracing the cracks and stains with his gaze and wondering if they would let him stay for free if he fixed the roof. Then he remembered the military was footing the bill and figured he could fix the building free of charge and pay the bill with the State’s money.

“Ed?”

He jumped as Roy spoke, having forgotten momentarily why he was sitting in the peace of the hallway. Ed couldn’t remember the last time they’d talked or the last words they had spoken, but he imagined they were spoken in anger. Still, Roy’s voice was a cool rush of water to his desert-cracked soul, filling in the gaps and mending the soil, if only for a little while. He was so overwhelmed by just the sound that for a moment, he didn’t know how to respond.

“Ed, are you there?”

“It’s really good to hear your voice,” he said softly, even though there was no one around to hear him, or even care. Apparently this little town didn’t get much in the way of visitors and he had the whole second floor to himself.

“I didn’t know you’d left.” Roy sounded bereft, not angry, and the sick, guilty knot that had formed in his stomach every time Ed spoke with Roy over the past three months tightened.

“I didn’t think I’d be gone that long. The Cipher Alchemist isn’t known for his physical prowess and I didn’t think there’d be much fight in him. Turns out I was right for once.” As he spoke, he reached out and began curling the phone cord around his finger and letting it slip off, just to give him something else to focus on.

“When do you think you’ll be back, if you want to tell me?”

Ed let the cord fall from his fingers. That was not Roy Mustang on the other end. The Roy Mustang he knew would never roll over so easily. “What the hell is wrong with you? I leave without telling you and the best you can say is when am I coming back, if I want to be so magnanimous as to offer the information? What the hell, Roy?”

“I don’t know what you want from me. I keep giving you everything you say you want. We’re moving too fast, so I slow down. You need more space, so I back off. We need to spend more time apart, so I die without you for days hoping I might get a sliver of your affection sometime in the near future. Every time I give you what you say you want, it’s not the right thing and I don’t know what you want. Tell me what to do, or tell me that you’re done with me so that I can grieve properly and _move on_.”

Ed squeezed his eyes shut until black dots and swirls jumped behind his eyelids, but it did nothing to block out his mind’s vision of Roy hunched over in his chair, a picture of pure anguish. Ed put that look on Roy’s face. He put that uncertainty in Roy’s tone.

“Do you love me?”

Ed squeezed the phone so tightly it creaked in his grip, and he pressed his lips together to try and force the words out, or maybe keep them in. A long time had passed since he could delude himself into thinking he didn’t love Roy, but the words would not come. In all their time together, Roy had been very free with his affections, stating his love for Ed many times, but Ed had never been able to return the sentiment. He hoped his actions spoke to his feelings, but he felt if he said it out loud, if he put it into speech, something horrible would happen to them both. He was keeping them safe by not saying it. 

“It’s a pretty simple question, Ed. Either you do or you don’t.”

And still he couldn’t answer. He couldn’t make any words cross his lips and Roy’s sigh echoing down the phone line made his heart clench.

“Well, I guess that’s about as clear as I can ask from you.” He could hear Roy’s fingers drumming on his desk. “I won’t bother you while you’re working again. Feel free to stop by and pick up your things. I know I have some stuff that you’ll want.”

“Wait, you’re not… We’re not breaking up over the _phone_ , are we?”

“Would it be any better in person?”

“Yes.” Yes, of course it would. Roy would be able to see how much he loved him, how much just the sound of his voice could change a totally shitty day into an okay one. He could see that even when they were fighting or not talking that Roy was on his mind all the time. When he heard something funny, he wanted to share it with Roy. When Al came home with horrifying stories from his medical classes, he couldn’t wait to share them with Roy. 

He didn’t want to _live_ with Roy, that was too much, but he couldn’t live without him either.

“I don’t think it would be. In fact, it might be better if I just shipped your things to you.”

“I love you,” he hissed out in a whisper, his eyes clenched shut and every muscle in his body poised for flight, certain he was about to bring down some kind of retribution on them both.

“What?” Ed could almost see the slow, confused blink. “What did you say?”

Ed didn’t know if he could say it again, but the first time hadn’t made the earth open up and swallow him whole, and if it was the difference between them being okay for another couple days and Roy breaking up with him on the phone, he could try. “I love you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I love you, okay? I do. But you scare the hell out of me and I don’t know what to do so can this please, please wait until I’m home?”

“If you’re just saying it to keep me from—“

“How stupid do you think I am? I mean it, I’ve always meant it, but saying it out loud makes it real, makes it into something I can lose. Please, it’s been such an awful day, will you please, please not break up with me right now?” Suddenly he didn’t care if he sounded young or desperate, he was both of those things, and he didn’t want things to end this way. “Tell me about your day, or tell me about that stupid book you’re reading or just anything. I really want to hear your voice right now. Please, for me?”

The silence echoed and echoed as Roy tried to make up his mind and Ed was sure, sure, sure that Roy was going to hang up and never speak to him again. Were he in the same position, having spent months trying to get something from Roy, anything to prove that he wasn’t alone in wild windstorm of their relationship, he probably wouldn’t have taken so long to decide.

“I don’t have too much time. I have a meeting in half an hour.”

Some of the pressure binding his chest eased just the slightest bit. “Okay.”

“Havoc almost set the building on fire when he tried to take a smoke break in one of the supply closets. Apparently, the extra five minutes to the exit was just too long and he had the misfortune of stepping into one of the closets that stores paper products. One stray ash and we almost had to find new headquarters.”

Ed relaxed completely into the chair, his head resting against the back of the chair as he closed his eyes. “What did you do?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper as all of the strength seemed to have gone out of him.

He heard Roy draw a breath, and there was a pause as Roy clearly debated finishing his story or asking what was wrong. Maybe it was the tone of Ed’s voice, maybe the pleading he’d done just moments before. Perhaps it was because Roy did love him and maybe understood him just a little, but he chuckled over the phone and continued on with his story.

***

For the second time in two days, Ed stood before the Cipher Alchemist’s house with a knot of dread eating at him. This time he knew what he faced within those doors, but the knowing didn’t make it any easier. Knowing didn’t calm him or focus him. Knowing left him two seconds away from full-blown panic, from wanting to burn the house to the ground along with everything inside just so he wouldn’t have to see any of it again.

He could do it, too. It was well within his jurisdiction to set fire to the house and call it containment. No one would know but him and Benchly, and no one was bound to take anything Benchly said with any kind of authority. Those poor things were going to die no matter how Ed chose to deal with it; the array wasn’t ready.

But Ed had seen amazing things through alchemy; he’d seen arrays that shouldn’t have had any chance of working do exactly as their creators intended. So it was Ed’s duty to try, to try four more times, and see if he could make it work through force of will or luck. Those creatures deserved someone on their side, and they deserved better than a fiery death. At least the one Ed was proposing would be painless. It was one of the first elements of the array he’d created—a simple addition to ease the pain of anything that stood in the active array. Even if they died, they wouldn’t die hurting.

Ed gave a sharp nod and opened the door stepping into the dim house. He hadn’t spent much time looking at Benchly’s house the day before and he found he hadn’t missed much. The walls were bare of pictures, no personal effects filled the table spaces or cabinets. Everything had a purpose and followed its function as if there was no room in his life for things that didn’t pertain to his work.

It was sad and bare and completely understandable. Ed thought that if he didn’t have Al and Roy, he could have easily been living this life. Too easily could he fall into the alchemy and forget everything else around him. Al and Roy made sure that he interacted with people, had friends, had a life. In ten years, without the two of them, this could very easily be him, and he hated that thought. They made him a better man and he needed to tell them when he got home. They needed to know how profound their influence was on his life.

Ed made his way to the sparse living room where he’d moved the chimera’s cages the day before. He couldn’t stand the thought of them in the tiny, dark space, and even though he was pretty sure they didn’t have any higher reasoning functions, he still didn’t want them in the same room with his alchemy. They didn’t need to see what was waiting for them.

“Who’s first?” he asked the twisted animals softly. After a moment of looking at their sad forms, he picked a random cage, cooing to the occupant to try and comfort it as he lifted the cage and transported it to another room. Ed didn’t want to go back to the workroom and decided the dining room would be perfectly fine space to work. He moved the table out of the way, set the cage in the corner of the room and started drawing.

The only benefit to his failures from the previous day was that he saw how his array wasn’t working. Each loss taught him which lines weren’t correct, which areas needed refining, which part of the overall pattern had to be changed. The array he drew today wasn’t unrecognizable from the one he’d drawn yesterday, but they were as different from each other as the true forms of the chimera and the chimera itself. Similar, yet wholly different.

When he finished drawing, Ed set aside his chalk, put the cage in the center of the array and activated it. In a matter of moments it was over and the poor thing faired no better than its companions from the day before. If it was a little less twisted, if its death a little less gruesome, it was still a failure and it was still dead. 

Again and again Ed tried, starting over each time, making refinements as he went along that would make the array better but he didn’t know if they would make it work. The next two went as swiftly and as unsuccessfully as the first and with the final chimera, Ed paused, studied his work and the creature and Benchly’s notes trying to find something, some magical item he’d been missing that would make everything come together in one brilliant flash of light.

But nothing came, and the last chimera did not live through the array.

Ed stared at the bloodied mess that had once been two separate living things and the only thing he could think to do was grab the nearest dining room chair and hurl it against the wall. When that eased a tiny bit of the ache in his soul, he grabbed another one and did the same thing. He kept going until he’d broken every chair, smashed every cabinet and shelf in the dining and living rooms, until he had splinters in his flesh hand and was panting for breath.

He gathered up Benchly’s research papers because of course Pershing would want to see them, even if he would never be able to understand them, grabbed his coat and stalked out of the house, not bothering to close or lock the door behind him. It was a long walk back to town and even further to the train station, but like yesterday, the solitude of the action would be better for him in the long run.

***

Al was in the office when Ed got in late that evening. His smile upon seeing Ed was so wide, so genuine, that is filled his whole face and Ed had to swallow back tears at seeing it. “Brother, I didn’t think you’d be back until tomorrow, at least.”

Ed dropped a stack of papers on Al’s desk. “Do me a favor and type those up when you have time and then send the whole thing off to Pershing, would you? And remind me to charge insane amounts of money for anyone who wants me to go deal with chimeras, okay?”

“Sure.” Al’s smile faltered into a look of concern. “Are you all right?” he asked as he rose from behind the desk and came to stand next to Ed, peering at his face as if it held the answers to all of their problems.

Instead of answering, Ed pulled Al into a tight hug, so tight he would have done Armstrong proud. He buried his face against Al’s collarbone and squeezed until he could almost hear Al’s bones creak. Through it all, Al didn’t say a word, just wrapped his arms around Ed and held on. “You’re the best brother in the world, you know that, right? You’re funny and smart and a great alchemist. You’re going to be a great doctor and I’m so proud of you.”

“Ed, what happened there?” Now Al sounded a little alarmed.

“It was just…” He heaved a breath. “I’m just really happy to be home and I wanted to tell you how amazing you are because I don’t say it and—“

“You don’t have to say it, brother. I know.”

Someone knocked on the door to the office, and before they could say anything else, Roy walked in. How he knew Ed was back, how he knew to come here, were mysteries that Ed didn’t care to have answered. It was so good to just see him that the actual physical sight of him was like a blow to the head. He gave Al one last squeeze before he launched himself at Roy, holding him with the same strength and determination he’d been exerting on Al.

Al cleared his throat the way he did when he was embarrassed. “I’ll type this up in the morning and make sure it gets sent to the General’s office. It looks like you two have some things to work out.” 

As Al walked by, Ed reached out and grabbed his arm. “I mean it, okay. You are the best brother anyone could ever have.”

“We’ll talk more tomorrow.” Al gave him one last smile and then Ed was alone with Roy.

Roy, who was returning his embrace ounce for ounce, but had yet to say a single word. But that was okay. Silence worked for them. When they started talking, that was when things got complicated, when they got out of control, and Ed didn’t know where he stood. In the silence with Roy’s arms around him, he felt steadier. If only they never had to speak to each other.

“Pershing said it was chimeras.”

Sometimes, Central Headquarters seemed more like a boy’s clubhouse than a military organization. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Roy sighed and stepped back. “The number of things you don’t want to talk about leave us with a very limited scope of conversation, Ed.”

Ed clenched his hands into fists and looked past Roy’s shoulder to the door, his voice taking on the even, lifeless tone of a soldier giving a report. “Benchly had seven chimeras of various origin. The array isn’t ready; it won’t be ready for some time. I ended the assignment with seven piles of blood and bone and—“ He had to stop and swallow back the bile rising in his throat. He looked at Roy and was gratified to see horror and sympathy on his normally impassive face. “Talking doesn’t make it better.”

“Maybe not today, but it might someday make it better. And if you don’t try, how will you ever know?”

“Excellent advice, Roy. How about we discuss the Ishbal Rebellion and your fires?” It was a low blow, and even as the words slipped past his lips he wanted to call them back, but no one could make him as angry, cruel and thoughtless as Roy.

Roy’s expression shut down in an instant. “Do you really want to bring up the past, Edward?”

Ed shook his head and took a step back, alarmed by the cool tone in Roy’s voice, his use of Ed’s full name and the prospect of his own sins. “No, no, I don’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, I wasn’t thinking.”

“Because there are certainly things in your past that are just as hurtful, if not more so, than my time in Ishbal. Your mother, for instance, and how your recklessness mutilated her. Or your brother, whom you consigned to life without a body for most of his adolescence.”

Another step back and Ed hit a wall, and when he could go no further, he pressed both hands flat against the cool surface and sneered at Roy. “At least I’ve never killed children.”

Roy took two sudden steps forward and Ed was sure Roy was going to hit him. His hand was clenched in a fist and there was a blank quality to Roy’s eyes that Ed had seen before bad things began to happen.

“Are you going to hit me?” Ed pushed away from the wall and thrust himself at Roy’s face until they were mere centimeters apart, sharing the same breath. “Are you going to take a swing at me, Mustang? ‘Cause I’ll warn you now: I hit back.”

They were close enough that Ed could see Roy’s whole body trembling with suppressed emotion and he was certain they were going to end this fight with their fists in a way they would never be able to come back from. In a way that involved police and ultimately his little brother in jail for murder when Al found out about it.

Instead, Roy drew in a desperate, gasping breath and turned away, his back straight and head held high. “I think we’re done,” he said softly.

“All right.” He’d never really wanted an argument to begin with. Their arguments always snuck up on him; he often didn’t know why they started or how to end them once they’d both said hurtful things.

“No, Ed. I mean, I think we’re done.” He ran a hand over his face, but didn’t turn to look at Ed. “All we ever do is fight and I’m tired.”

As always, Ed’s mouth was twenty years ahead of his brain. “Who gets to keep the friends?”

Roy laughed, hardly sounding bitter at all. “You do, of course. Everything was all yours to begin with.”

“You were right. This isn’t any better face to face.” At least over the phone they would have been able to hang up—a clean, clear ending if there ever was one. Instead they were left with Roy lingering in the doorway as though he were waiting for the one thing that Ed might say to turn everything around. But Ed didn’t have the magic words. He didn’t know what to say because every time he tried, he made things worse.

“I…” Roy paused, shook his head and walked to the door. “Take care of yourself, Ed,” he said before closing the door behind him, without giving Ed a chance to reply.

Ed traced Roy’s path, resting his head against the hard wood of the door and listened to the sound of Roy’s retreating footsteps until they faded completely, trying his best not to cry.

***

“Brother! Have you been here all night?”

Ed jerked awake to find Al crouching over him and the sun just beginning to rise. “I must have fallen asleep.” 

“I thought you were with the General.”

With Al’s helping hand, Ed levered himself up off the floor and stalked over to the other side of the room. “Do you think I’d be able to have a shower installed in here?”

“What happened?”

“I mean, it’s not like I use this closet for anything and I think I’d really like to have a shower. Sometimes it helps me think.”

“Ed. Did you fight?”

“When do we do anything else? Yes, we fought. I said shitty things, he said shitty things. He went home, I stayed here and at some point I’m going to need to go get my shit and hope he’s not there.” 

“So that’s it?”

Ed shrugged. “I guess.”

“You’re just going to give up?” Al grabbed his arm and shook him a little but Ed couldn’t figure out why Al could possibly be upset.

“At least now I’ll get to spend more time with you.”

“Brother! This isn’t about me.” Al reached out like he wanted to shake Ed again. “Do you love him?”

Ed closed his eyes against the barrage of images—all of Roy, all of the stupid little things he did that Ed found endearing, like the way the towels had to be folded in a precise manner in the linen closet but were okay to leave in a damp pile on the bathroom floor. “I do,” he whispered, making the ache of their separation burn him all the way to his fingertips.

“Does he love you?”

For a moment, Ed was tempted to tell Al he didn’t know, but then Roy’s voice echoed down his thoughts over the past year, daring Ed to lie. Roy told him he loved him. He showed him he loved him. Even with all of Ed’s quirks and issues and demons, Roy took them all with a grin and loved him. “Yeah, yeah, he does.”

“Then what the fuck is your problem?” Ed jerked back at Al’s language; his brother hardly ever swore. He claimed it was an equivalent exchange to Ed’s foul mouth. “You love each other. It shouldn’t be that hard. Or are you too much like him to want to stay somewhere where you’re needed? Where people love you?”

Ed sneered at the mention of their father. “Don’t ever compare me to him. I’m nothing like him.”

“Then stop acting like him! Stop running, stop hurting Roy because you’re too afraid of the thought of being in one place, of maybe being happy for the first time in years.”

“I’m not afraid of being happy.” Ed walked across the room and struck the windowsill with his fist so he wouldn’t feel so much like hitting Al.

“That’s not true and you know it. You’re terrified that if you let yourself be happy, that it’s not equivalent and you’ll lose everything you’ve gained. You won’t _let_ yourself be happy.”

Bitterness rose in Ed’s mouth and he had to swallow twice to banish the taste. That Al could know him so well, pin him down and flay him open should have been a trait reserved for the older brother. “I’m happy with you.”

Al smiled sadly. “No, you’re not. You’re content, you’re proud of me and pleased that I can have a real life again, but you’re not happy. You’re happy for me and it’s not the same thing. I’m your brother and I love you, but I can’t make you happy the way Roy can. You know that, or at least, you would if you would think about it for a minute.”

Ed drew a long breath, trying to think instead of react. Al was making sense, but it was still hard for Ed to reconcile. The one thing that was undeniable was that Roy did make him happy and not having Roy was making him miserable. It was a pretty simple equation. Apparently, he should hire Al to make all his important decisions as well as answer his phone. He pressed his head against the cold glass. “I said some horrible things. Things I can’t take back.”

“So don’t take them back. Go there, apologize, and move on. What else can you do?”

***

The trip to Roy’s apartment from his office never seemed so long as it did that morning. Ed passed familiar sights, every breath filled with the common scents of Central newly awakened, but none of them were soothing. His stomach was twisted so tightly he was sure he was going to throw up. He was so on edge that every distracted pedestrian whose steps came too close to him unwittingly risked their lives.

He half hoped that a careless driver would swerve off the road and hit him, or that something heavy would fall on him. Hospital reunions were so much easier. Ed could spend his time being brave in the face of pain and Roy could be overly solicitous and they could forget about their fight, because Ed being hurt was so much more important.

Unfortunately for him, all the motorists out that morning were safe drivers and all the buildings stayed upright and stable. He was so intent on not thinking too much about what might happen, what Roy might say, that once he was opposite Roy’s door with his hand poised to knock, he hesitated. What was he going to say? What could he possibly say that would make Roy understand? Could he really look Roy in the eye and apologize when Roy was just as guilty of saying horrible things? Could Ed shoulder the blame just so they wouldn’t have to be apart? Why couldn’t Roy take some of the blame and bend a little?

Before he could knock or decide to walk away, the decision was taken away from him when the door opened and Roy stood there, unshaven, dark eyed and beautiful. “What do you want, Edward?” His voice was even and unaffected, as though completely bored with Ed’s appearance.

“How?”

“It’s your footsteps. The automail gives you away every time.”

All of the things Ed wanted to say, needed to say, should say, got stuck in his head and couldn’t make it past his lips. He stared at Roy, who stared back impassively, waiting for Ed to do something. All he really wanted was to cross into the apartment, crawl into Roy’s bed, its soft sheets and warm blankets smelling so strongly like him. To curl up with Roy and sleep for about a week. He wouldn’t even mind Roy’s tendency to kick while dreaming if he could just be near him.

“Ed—“

“I started working on the array to fix chimeras while I was still on the other side of the gate.”

Roy shook his head. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Just hear me out and if you still want me to go, I’ll go.” He waited for Roy’s nod, reluctant though it was, before continuing. “There was only so much time I could spend working with their science before I would start to go mad. It’s so basic and simple and some of it so completely opposite of everything I know is true. Near the end I was starting to wonder if I was already mad, if everything here was a fantasy.

“So, even though I knew I’d never be able to get it to work on that side, I worked on the array because it made me remember home. It helped me remember what I’d left behind and what I was going back for. It’s been years in the making and it’s still not right. I don’t know that it will ever be complete or useable or perfect, but I keep working on it, hoping that it’ll come to some good, because I’ve already invested so much of my time into it that to let go now would be a waste. I keep working on it because it’s important, because I hope it can do some good and because it means something to me. Do you understand?”

Roy ran a weary hand over his face. “Love isn’t alchemy, Ed. It isn’t science, and you can’t balance out an equation with us.”

“But it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to try. I’m sorry for the things I said, and I’m sorry for the way I’ve been. It’s just that I’m twenty years old. Forever was something I never thought I’d have.”

“I never asked you for forever, Ed.” 

“But you did! Every time you said you loved me, every time you remembered some stupid fucking thing that made me happy, all I could see was years stretching out in front of me and I’m not ready. I’m not ready for forever.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because I’m not ready for never, either. And neither are you. So, what do we do?”

Roy stared at him for such along time, Ed felt uncomfortable under his gaze. He was just beginning to think he’d made a profound mistake about his own assumptions and the value of his place in Roy’s life when Roy opened the door and stepped aside. “Come in, I’ll make some coffee.”

“Okay.” Coffee was good. Coffee was a start. It was coffee that was at the beginning of everything for them. Ed chose to take it as a good sign and crossed the threshold, ready to work.


End file.
